Powderpuffs Ready for Consultant-on-Consultant Violence

By J.J. Starr, Plucky Girl Reporter


San Francisco, CA (AP) – Finally, the Powderpuffs have grabbed their moment in the sun. In an epic battle reminiscent of last season’s championship match (uh, except for the outcome), wideouts Marques Colston and Reggie Wayne carried the Powderpuffs to a week 8 win over Team Wiggum. The victory meant a break in the team’s three-game losing streak. Coach Crev, reportedly relieved to still have her job after poor coaching choices in weeks 5, 6, and 7, stepped up to the microphones for only the second time this season.


“Ok, ok, the press conference seemed to work last week, so I’ll try it again. I’m superstitious that way,” Coach Crev declared. But I don’t want any questions from those Coors Light guys, though. I mean it; if I see those guys there’s gonna be blood on the floor.” “Our quarterback of the week—whoops! I mean, Tony Romo—will do us proud tomorrow. But I mean, seriously, do you think that restaurant was around when his parents named him? Poor bastard. At least I can pronounce his name,” Crev said in an aside. She paused in her statement to help a small struggling cat, mascot of the Powderpuffs, who apparently can almost, but not quite, jump to the top of a six-foot-high hutch.


Crev hinted strongly at the possibility of a trade, although she refused to name any names. “We of course need to look into all of our options. We’ll see. I’m also thinking Edge might like to train a little with Shawne Merriman. But the mostest important thing is that we’re gonna beat the Mini Ditkas tomorrow like they stole something! They’re going down! We’re gonna...we're gonna—” Stopping mid-sentence, the coach’s face turned a angry Shanahan-esque red. With the speed and grace of a ninja, the ‘Puffs coach leapt to the top of the podium, quickly donning a luchador mask. The Coors Light guy who had just entered the media room didn’t stand a chance. With a hideous battle cry, she jumped onto his head, rending him limb-from-limb like that chick in Heroes.


Asked to comment on the senseless violence, injured quarterback Matt Hasselbeck said only: “Still hurts; go away.”