Write About Everything. Do Nothing.

What does it mean when your mouse goes haywire? Something -- I think it's my mouse but I'm not sure -- has been acting really screwey for the past few days. I'll be typing merrily along, then suddenly, out of the blue, my screen starts scrolling rapidly up and down, up and down, spasming like a Tourette's sufferer on a pogo stick. Something bad is happening here -- if I were a reasonable person with sense, I would do whatever it is that you do to resolve your wonky hardware issues. Since I'm not a reasonable person with sense, I'm just going to blog about it until whatever's wrong makes my computer explode. I fully plan to just bitch, bitch, bitch until boom: Armageddon. If you never hear from me again, it will be because something went kablooey in my computer. It will have knocked me across the room and I'll be helplessly trapped under a bookcase. Maybe I can get some reading done.

So I have been undergoing this curious transformation over the past few months. I think I am becoming a blogger, but maybe not in a good way. I mean, I am writing this thing and actually enjoying it, but it's starting to become a Rationalization. Before, I could quietly procrastinate on issue or problem, glumly copying it from one post-it to-do list to another as the days went by. Now - I swear to God - I actually stop to evaluate whether this could be interesting material for a post. "Hmmmm, is it a trenchant observation on the travails of modern life? Or I am just really fucking lazy? Better procrastinate a few more days while I decide.” It’s becoming an enabler for my worst flaws. And I can tell it’s an enabler and not some intellectual growth spurt because I don’t really post so often. I think if I discovered some life-changing passion for writing, I’d be all over this shit every day, so I’m not buying my own line here. I mean I like it (and I didn’t used to like writing, so this fascinates me), but it’s not like I don’t do the dishes because I’m writing. I just don’t do the dishes period, and then idly think about writing about that.

And this doesn’t only affect my staunchly Puritan work ethic, it’s also changing my consciousness in some odd way. For instance: last night I went out with L and her posse; we had a great time at the movies and then started drinking sangria. Now, I’m usually a happy drunk – give me a few pints and I’m very much a ‘yourethebessssssht’ kind of gal. Occasionally I can do the sad drunk thing and very rarely the mean drunk thing, but usually I’m the happy one. But lately? I’ve become the bloggy drunk. Two glasses of sangria and I’m deep in conversation with L about this book she’s reading. It says something about the importance of cultures having high ideals, so that no one individual can live up to them, but that doesn’t matter. It’s just about the culture – the people as a collective – living up to these ideals, for that will advance civilization as a whole. (L, did I get that right?) And then there was something else about how people try to improve their workspace, but it’s just too much effort in too narrow of a area, and how politicians used to do many other things besides politics (writing, philosophy, farming, etc.), but are now too focused and are lousy people as a result. So I start raving like a lunatic about how I need to write a blog about this – saying what? I have no idea. I can’t remember; it’s all lost time now. But at the time I was yapping about something, and Ready to Spout Wisdom. Yar, I’m a jackass. So L, thanks for being kind.

I think I was agreeing with this author’s premise. Because people are probably more morally sophisticated than they were in the past. The world is slowly moving towards greater equality across race, gender, religion, etc., we have more freedom than ever to pursue whatever ambition captures our fancy. But we also don’t have many heroes. If you believe that morals are absolute, and things like slavery are Bad-with-a-Capital-B, then how can it be that we are better off as a group but more lacking individually? Where are the modern Lincolns and Jeffersons? Where are the leaders who publicly strive to be good people, who publicly fail and admit it and learn and genuinely seek to embody high values? Frankly, the only – the ONLY – person I can think of like that who is in the public eye is Oprah. You know she is a great person, and you know she also is constantly working on herself and trying to be better. Everyone else must be my kind of blogger: they talk about values and ideals but don’t show that they are actively striving to improve themselves (I mean, outside of rhetoric. Don’t get me started on Bush.). Write about everything. Do Nothing.

Am I just romanticizing the past? Or is there something odd here?

And can someone with more sense than I please tell me wtf is going on with my mouse?