Yay. Boo. Repeat ad infinitum.

I envy people who know what to do with their lives. How is it that someone knows they want to be an astronaut at age 6, or a doctor at age 11--and then sticks to it through all of the education and training? (I wanted to be an astronaut when I was 6...but it didn't stick. Actually actually, what I wanted was more like a part-time astronaut, firefighter on the weekends, schoolteacher every other Tuesday, and an artist on Labor Day. Even at an early age I couldn't make up my mind.)

Somehow I have become worse with age. Now I feel like I not only don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, I don't even know what kind of person I'm supposed to be or how I'm supposed to approach my life. Things are moving too fast, and I don't know I should react or feel about it. I have a job offer...for a job I'm not so excited about. The job I'm excited about is many rounds of interviews and an offer away, so it's very possible I might not get it, but also possible I might. Do I take friggin' job #1 already? I've been derailed on this process so many times that I shouldn't take that offer for granted. And other friends have been frustrated so far in their job searches; I have been luckier than many and shouldn't forget that. But this other job might be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. If I get it. Honestly, it's probably out of my league. AND I just found out that the scary form I had refused to fill out for my proto-job (#1) will need to be filled out after all. Authorizing them to run a financial report on me in order to get a job is wrong, just wrong. Authorizing a check into my "personal characteristics" and "mode of living" is even wrong-er. What the hell is my mode of living? (don't answer that) And they want me to come to some event on the 1st. And they have sent me materials on their past research projects. And the HR gal is literally calling me 2+ X every day with some update on some damn thing, and did I get the other email she sent, etc. etc. I should be excited, and I kind of am, but I'm also feeling like they are wayyyyyyy up in my grill.

Meanwhile my JOBjob is driving me nuts. I am supposed to get authorization from my manager's manager to share my experiences with the methodology we are all supposed to be learning. My new manager is going to sit in on the session, apparently to ensure I don't stray from the party line while communicating things like "one of the slides you'll need isn't in option A on the spec form, it's actually in option B, but option B looks like it's something else, so you need to specify exactly what you need and also include an example. Oh, and now you'll need to sign this NDA." On the other hand, my manager is at least kind and tactful in how he's communicating this, and I do think the trust issue is driven more by his boss than by him, and I wouldn't be able to do the session at all if he wasn't there. At least this way my pals won't be stuck trying to get option B when they are up against a deadline.

Also--I now deeply understand that the 2 year service for my car is really really expensive. Huh. And so are 4 new tires to replace the bald ones. Yesterday I was thinking that I have almost paid off my unexpected debts. You know, not credit card or loan debt--hah!--but all of the expensive one-offs like birthday gifts, medical bills, etc. Surprise! The universe smiled at the very idea and vigorously kicked me in the crotch.

And, the cherry on top--the one that keeps me up at night. How do you know when a friend is fucking you over? What do you do about it? Yeah, that issue is back again. This person says that he is supporting me and has my back, and I think he believes that he is...but bad things keep happening to me when he is "supporting me." And there's some circumstantial evidence against him. Do I confront him and express my feelings? If so, it probably won't go well, and he is not a good enemy to have. Do I share my experiences and ask for clarification? Will he get pissed and start really undermining me? Will he know I'm onto him? (is there something for me to be onto?) Do I just shrug it off as his issue? Do I go on the offensive and start undermining him right back? Do I suck it up and try to be professional? Do I maintain that relationship--and will that benefit me at all, or actually hurt me?

I am confused. There is positive stuff in here, and some negative, but I can't sort it out. I'm just so overwhelmed by stuff and the speed at which it changes from good to bad and back. Buried in there is a larger question about how I should approach all of this. Share my feelings? Speak up? Stfu because it won't matter anyways? Stfu and just stop letting it bother me? Stfu and be appropriately grateful for the good stuff? Be nice? Be a bitch? Stand up for abstract principals, even if means losing a job offer? Knowingly string along a potential employer to explore a risky proposition? Take the bird in the hand? I don't know the answer to any of this. I'm stuck in reactive mode as events unfold: yay boo yay yay boo boo boo yay boo yay yay boo yay boo boo yay yay boo whut? boo boo yay boo yay yay ??? boo boo yay boo yay boo yay yay boo boo boo yay boo yay yay boo yay boo boo yay yay boo wtf? boo boo yay boo yay yay boo boo yay boo yay boo yay yay boo boo boo yay boo yay yay boo yay boo boo yay yay boo whut? boo boo yay boo yay yay !!! boo boo yay boo yay boo yay yay boo boo boo yay boo yay yay boo yay boo boo yay yay boo eh? boo boo yay boo yay yay boo boo yay boo yay boo yay yay boo boo boo yay boo yay yay boo yay boo boo yay yay boo huh? boo boo yay boo yay yay ??? boo boo yay boo!