Powderpuffs Enter Nasty Badlands

By J.J. Starr, Plucky Girl Reporter


It was daybreak in San Francisco’s scenic Potrero District, and the Powerpuffs were lost. Huddled in a mass of powder-blue uniforms, the players stared blankly as smoke and vapors trailed by like cheesy special effects from an ELO concert. The site—former facility of a Team That Must Not Be Named—still bore the scars of a previous baboon-related incident. Police tape and half-eaten fruit littered the foundations of a brand-new memorial by Maya Lin. Hesitatingly but inevitably, as if she herself were obeying an animal instinct, Coach Crev stepped up to the podium and the one remaining microphone.

“I know you must be wondering why we are here,” said coach Crev. “I know I sure am. No, really, I don’t know were we are. Is this the corner of 24th and Pennsylvania? We need to get to 30th and Mission.”

“We have clearly lost our way. One minute ago, we were just one injured Donovan McNabb away from the number one slot. Times were good, money flowed like water, and we all had fun on that sex boat thing. Now Something Bad Has Happened, and we are quickly drifting down to obscurity. We’ve apparently wandered into someone else’s turf—you know, the one who wantonly provokes primates. Speaking of which, I haven’t heard a report from that coach in a while. Um, is this thing even on?”

Looking somewhat nasty and infected, coach Crev refused to show remorse over her past decisions. “Yes, I know mistakes were made. And yes, it’s true that 45 points were left on the bench last week. But I’m not the kind of coach to looks backwards. I am Coach Looky McForwardton, and there will sure be some changes around here.”

Coach Crev glared at the press corps assembled before her, and raised her fist. “Team Wiggum is going down! We don’t need a star quarterback to win! We don’t need a b-grade, incredibly disappointing quarterback to win either! We’ve got that new guy! You know, Hurd! Heard? Hoo-wurd? How the hell do you say his name? It doesn’t matter! We pronounce it WINNER!”

As members of the press corps suddenly found something better to do and somewhere better to be, the Powderpuffs arranged themselves in alphabetical order behind Coach Crev. Many were lollygagging, visibly aging, or talking to their agents. Edgerrin James, the one player allowed to speak to the press, freely expressed chagrin over his decision to join the beleaguered ‘Puffs: "I wasn't prepared for this, man, I really wasn't, when making my decision," he said. "I don’t know what we’re doing now."

Asked to comment on the interview, benched quarterback Matt Hasselbeck said only “Ouch.”