If only she would use her powers for the forces of good...

Recently I’ve been talking to friends about Evil Super Powers. For those of you who aren’t in touch with their evil abilities, Evil Super Powers are those bad habits that you are really, really good at. So good that you don’t have to use them unconsciously, for they have become a thing to be honed, perfected, deliberately polished to a sheen for the admiration of friends and family. There’s a level of intentionality that places it outside the realm of simple personality flaws. Skills, good habits, and talents need not apply, of course.

I have been blessed with multiple Evil Super Powers—anyone who knows me can tell you that—but there are two I am especially proud of: my Pokiness, and my ability to feel guilty. My pokiness is fucking legendary: I talk slow, I walk slow, I think slow, I shop slow, I do almost everything except drive slow (on the 280 y’all betta make way). I am Pokitronic. I could be slow for my country.

To have world-domination-class Evil Super Powers, they also have to potentially mess with your ability to enjoy life. My friend D is amazed at how easy it is to guilt-trip me—she says it’s especially impressive in someone who wasn’t raised Catholic or Jewish (she was raised as both, so I’ve got street cred). I don’t think I need to give examples of this particular Evil Super Power: if you are in the least bit familiar with my recent romantic history then you know.

At first this was just a thing that us gals noticed in ourselves: J has the ability to transform any compliment or comment into a perceived insult (“wow, that sure was a big lunch we had.” “Hey, are you calling me fat?”). D has quite the skill in being indecisive/ ambivalent—playing Scruples with her in high school was a snap (the answer is fucking always “it depends”). We have taken turns channeling each others’ Evil Super Powers, cuz it’s fun.

But probably most people have Evil Super Powers. My XO is adverse to change; his timeline for doing new things isn’t in weeks or months, it’s in years. I’ve known people who had federal grants that lasted less time than the time it took him to pull the trigger on getting a pet. And I work with a woman—very nice, very funny—who is relentlessly complimentary to others. So much so that despite her protests to the contrary, you’d swear she’s blowing smoke up your butt every single day. (Actually, I’m still not sure she isn’t…). BTW, the ability to make others uncertain or confused is the hallmark of a varsity-level Evil Super Power. Is she serious? Or just fucking with your head? Anyways, I’d like to pit her Evil Super Power against J’s. I wonder who would win. I think the universe would explode.

Anyway, I have to stop this, as I am starting to feel guilty (! sometimes I don’t have control over that particular superpower). But think about what your Evil Super Power might be. It’s not that nasty little habit that no one else knows about. It’s probably the thing your friends always tease you about…Whatever it is, grab that bad boy and make it shine. Congrats, that is YOUR Evil Super Power!